Why Trump should consider making Kenya USA's 51st state

Understandably, anyone who has listened to the painful first-hand reminiscences of the independence generation, or perhaps read Caroline Elkins grisly narration, British Gulag, about the crazed and systematic brutality visited on Kenya by Britain, which was the front-runner of the colonial powers engaging in hegemonic appropriation of other people’s lands, would cringe at any mention of colonisation.

For indeed, the aristocratic henchmen of the British monarchy, as did the other colonialists, justified all atrocities including targeting the backsides of black, brown and other ‘condemned races’ with rifles for sport, under the pretext of necessary cultural and religious re-education of ‘blanket’ natives. And mind you, this was among the least grotesque forms of torture from their respective cookbooks.

Britain has always shown minimal and reluctant remorse for rampant atrocities committed in its name in Kenya between 1952 and 1960 during the height of the Mau Mau uprising.

That notwithstanding, the darkest nebula cloud can have a silver lining, as the cliché goes. Some schools of thought insist that in Africa, colonial rule did bring great economic development and improvement in health and general well-being, and that, in the absolute sense, Africa today is poorer than when it was colonised.

Given the mounting challenges of poverty, inequality, and debt vulnerabilities, Kenya particularly would find it hard to escape that last characterisation. Consider the fact that the Kenya-Uganda railway, developed around 1900 primarily to facilitate the haemorrhage of local resources, was barely extended until quite recently. This potentially means that independence, despite its symbolic importance, slowed the developmental momentum of colonisation. Moreover, much of the once pristine colonial infrastructure now lies in ruins, or has been hopelessly vandalised, since independence.

A bare-knuckle assessment of most post-independence African states is that instead of charting a prosperous path unencumbered by colonial shackles, they went ahead, under shockingly corrupt and inept regimes, to become poor, hapless and corrupt entities barely able to be the custodians of their own heritage and wealth. No wonder someone dared to say that in comparison to today’s Africa, colonial rule was “arguably quite orderly, responsive, selfless and tribeless.”

If we briefly overlook the imperialists’ bitter and rapacious exploitation, it is obvious that African communities absolutely needed to interact with the colonialists to stand a chance of becoming competitive players in future international geopolitics destined to be dominated by Western thought, language and political systems.

Whatever the case, it would be an infinitely worse nightmare had we found ourselves left behind, still hunting and gathering like the ‘uncontacted tribes’ of Brazil, in a 2025 world that talks Artificial Intelligence and other esoteric tech.

The United States of America was itself a British Colony until independence in 1776, and missed out on the main bonanza of colonisation at the turn of the last century. However, it later usurped relatively insignificant territories such as Guam, Puerto Rico, Samoa and the Virgin Islands.

But in Donald Trump’s recent sensational threat to absorb Canada, annex Denmark’s Greenland and repossess the Panama Canal, one immediately detects not only a subliminal craving for offshore colonies but a devious hurry to make up for lost time as well.

Predictably, the countries under Trump’s acquisitional crosshairs are pissed off. Canada surpasses the US in terms of safety, labour market robustness and a lower cost of living. Denmark has less corruption, a higher quality of life, higher life-expectancy and more human freedoms. It is also ranked the second ‘happiest’ country in the world. As such, these countries would have absolutely nothing to gain by hooking up with Trump’s increasingly gloomy America.

But for obvious reasons, the same cannot be said of Kenya. Despite being the leading and most resilient economy in East Africa, and having a strategic geographical location, we are still beset by multiple woes compounded by global climatic changes, besides the aforementioned albatross of external debts. A helping hand from an ally with proven financial biceps would be most welcome.

This brings me to my main point which is that a nexus between our need for external fiscal support and Trump’s imperialistic aspirations might indeed portend a tremendous opportunity. If President William Ruto proactively invited Trump to freely ‘incorporate’- (not necessarily colonise) - Kenya, thereby assuming our liabilities (and assets), it would be merely an extension of existing collaborations that range from Somali to Haiti, and beyond.

In my imagination, the potential gains of Kenya saying ‘yes’ to Trump’s extended hand would include: Instant superpower status, enhanced political intimacy, iron-clad defence relations, emotional economies and the so-called cultural hybridity, and most importantly a realistic shot at reduction of the odious local corruption- all underwritten by the almighty dollar. Hot pepper is a good simile for neocolonialism; not good when served alone, but spicey, even medicinal when sprinkled.

It is indeed tantalising to imagine Kenya as the 51st offshore state of the United States of America! In the prevailing economic hardships, I dare say that every Kenyan would not mind ‘escaping into’ some kind of American citizenship, whether associate or substantive.